At Seventeen
by asesina
Summary: Even Rachel Berry gets insecure.


At Seventeen by asesina

Disclaimer: the songs belong to Janis Ian and Gloria Gaynor and Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy.

Summary :set after Regionals. Rachel Berry should be confident, but something's still bothering her.

Enjoy!

Rachel Berry found herself in a familiar situation. She was alone at home on a Friday night, but she wasn't plagued by the faint tinge of loneliness that used to color her thoughts.

No, Rachel Berry was back on top and she was _loving_ it.

The brilliant gold MVP trophy on the corner of her desk represented her noteworthy accomplishments, but something else was making Rachel smile.

It was a sense of belonging that made her heart soar and her spirit sing. Rachel was used to being the center of attention, but there was something about the New Directions' win at Regionals that solidified the unity of the glee club for Rachel.

She even noticed Kurt clapping and waving excitedly in the audience after she performed her very own song, after she had poured out her _heart_ to hundreds of strangers in an uproariously loud concert hall.

Rachel was still grinning, and a part of her knew that she was happier now than she had ever been. She knew that it wasn't just their victory at Regionals. Deep down, she knew that the respect and teamwork that they had displayed that night was the real reason she was still smiling like an idiot as she studied her own reflection and brushed her hair absentmindedly.

The night had been full of little moments: the brilliant glow of the stage lights, the swell of the orchestra as she belted out a high note, the feel of Finn's hands on her shoulders as he congratulated her after the song.

Rachel paused and blinked for a moment.

She knew that Finn and Quinn were together. Even if she flatly told Quinn that she would get Finn back, Rachel still felt a little flutter of jealousy and disappointment in her stomach as she remembered seeing them in the hallway, foreheads bent together as they shared some precious, forgotten, whispered bit of conversation that she would never hear.

Rachel felt some of the buoyant happiness of the night leave her as she set her brush down on the desk. She looked around her room for her I-pod, finally locating it the edge of her bed.

She grabbed it and flipped on the menu. Rachel sorted the songs by artist and exhaled carefully as she came to the "j" section.

Quietly, she selected the first song in the section as she gently placed the I-pod on the desk and looked up at her own reflection in the mirror.

As the soft acoustic guitar music filled the room, Rachel swallowed hard and began singing the first few lines of the song.

"_I learned the truth at seventeen_

_That love was made for beauty queens _

_And high school girls with clear-skinned smiles _

_Who married young and then retired."_

"This is stupid," Rachel muttered aloud. She paused the song and glared at herself in the mirror.

"Calm down! You're Rachel Berry! You're not going to get sappy and weepy because some awkward teenage boy chose Quinn Fabray over you," she said resolutely.

Rachel's finger hovered over the trackwheel on the I-pod. She cringed as she felt her index finger hit the play button and Janis Ian's voice filled the room again.

"_The valentines I never knew_

_The Friday night charades of youth_

_Were spent on one more beautiful _

_At seventeen I learned the truth."_

"Shut up, Janis. I'm not even 17 yet," Rachel said angrily. She paused the song again and let her thoughts drift to the performance at Regionals.

Rachel could see it in Finn's expression. She knew that he was still in love with her, and his unflappable support and admiration of her truly shone through. Even so, Rachel felt the old specter of insecurity hovering over her mind, as if waiting for a moment of vulnerability to attack her yet again.

Yes, Rachel Berry knew a lot of things. She knew that she was smart, talented, and that she was respected _and_ liked by the glee club. She knew that Finn Hudson still cared about and even loved her, and somehow it still wasn't enough.

The blonde apparition in the periphery of her vision was looking more and more like Quinn Fabray with each passing moment. Rachel tried to shake off the image, but it was growing stronger, and she felt the solid, familiar weight of Finn's image pull away from her, gravitating toward the ethereal magnetism of Quinn Fabray.

Rachel Berry suddenly realized that the song had been playing the entire time. Janis Ian's plaintive lyrics made Rachel pause for a moment as she considered the meaning of "_dreams were all they gave for free _/_ to ugly duckling girls like me_."

Rachel knew that the song didn't describe her. She had been in a relationship in the past. She had been called beautiful.

And yet…

Rachel set her mouth in a firm line and angrily turned off her I-pod.

"No," she said aloud.

"I will not let Quinn Fabray ruin my night. I will not let Finn Hudson ruin my night. I wrote a heartfelt song and we won Regionals. I am not having a crappy Friday night because of them," Rachel declared.

"I will not let Janis Ian be the soundtrack to my pity party. Time to change songs," she thought.

Carefully, Rachel pressed the shuffle button on her I-pod and held her breath as she waited for the next song to start playing.

Her eyes lit up as she heard Gloria Gaynor boldly declare,

"_At first I was afraid,_

_I was petrified…"_

Rachel smiled and grabbed her hairbrush, flipping it upside down like an impromptu microphone.

As the chorus began, Rachel felt a swell of confidence fill her heart as she took a deep breath and belted out,

"_You think I'd crumble. You'd think I'd lay down and die. Oh no, not I, I will survive!" _

Rachel decided then and there that this would be the last song of the night. She didn't need to listen to anyone else's words to understand how she felt, but Gloria Gaynor was pretty darn close.

End


End file.
